Bicycle Discrepancies

Men's bikes have crossbars.
Women's bikes don't have crossbars.

What's going on there?

On reflection, don't you want to **** your bike?
At the new green start-up Bicycle Discrepancies, they point out that if men didn't have a crossbar, they wouldn't be hurting their nethers when they came crashing down onto the crossbar. 

This sometimes happens after a man fails to do some class of a jackass stunt in order to impress everyone.

Even in terms of sexual satisfaction, it makes more sense to implement the crossbar gender crossover. The women's crossbars provided by Bicycle Discrepancies are padded, with a kind of a kinetically powered dildo mechanism that you can just put on there as an add-on, like a bicycle pump or a basket. A more technologically advanced dynamo-powered pad will be available in time for next year's Valentine's Day.

And the men's bikes will have the crossbars removed, and also come fitted with a little pretend vagina, in front of the seat at the handle bars.

If you want to shag your bike, check out the great range of Bicycle Discrepancies products and bikes today!

Resident Irish Burton confirms Beetlejuice sequel

As Ireland's resident Burton clan representative, former Labour leader Joan Burton has confirmed statements from Hollywood auteur Tim Burton that a Beetlejuice sequel has been approved by studio Warner Bros.

Archive: Burton announcing the original Beetlejuice movie


Beetlejuice (1988) featured a rogue caseworker poltergeist, summoned to convince new home owners into leaving their house through terror and scare tactics.




Ultimately, those who summon Beetlejuice realise the error of their ways, and they and the new homeowners cooperate in order to expel the old ghoul.

Rimbaud or Rambo?

And for our pop quiz today, we have a little pop quiz:

Who said what?

We're looking for who said what - the French poet Rimbaud, or the American action hero Rambo. 

a. Who said the following:

"Ô Mai ! quels délirants culs-nus!"

b. Who said
"F*** 'em!"


c. Can you guess who said:

"You guys don't take any shit."

d. Finally, who said:
"Pauvres morts ! dans l'été, dans l'herbe, dans ta joie,
Nature ! ô toi qui fis ces hommes saintement !" 


If you guessed that a and d were both Rimbaud quotes, you might just have a
dark and - oftentimes - impenetrable personality, due to high intelligence. Your ability to recognise texts written in different languages is certainly impressive. But your failing is that you can probably fail to recognise facial expressions in others because you're more "languagey"! [CLIENT NOTE: Increase keyword density for "fail" and "fail on vacation" by 5%, please.]
Why don't you phone our hotline for a personality test today?

If you guessed that a and d were Rambo quotes, however, and you are still able to comprehend the text written here, you are gifted in the visual cortex of the noggin with an astounding perspicacity to see someone's facial expression of happiness, and believe that they were sad. See how happy Rimbaud is in the photo above? 

Make him even happier! Plus heureux! Plus heureux! Don't fail on vacation in France!
Why don't you phone our hotline for a personality test today?

Ancient Wisdom Soundbites Exegesis

Ever since Moses went up Mount Sinai and sat down for a sleep on a patch of dodgy mushrooms, the ancients have been delivering up wisdom!

"You alone fill this universe."
~Ancient wisdom of the Ashtavakra Gita.
But if I ALONE fill the universe, then where the hell did you come from, with all of your wisdom?

Note: "You alone" is most probably a philosophically idealistic concept, where you create the universe. You are responsible for your own positive or negative energy. And to paraphrase Walt Whitman, "Every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you." But still: What are YOU doing here if I alone fill the universe? Huh?





All well and good, but you can imagine somebody telling you this while he's sitting on your sofa, picking his nose, and wiping it into the upholstery.



"Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy."~Unknown
The man who wrote this is an anonymous plonker. I don't want to bring my granny to the hospital. It takes away my joy. So piss off, granny!

Finally, put any words of kindness, wisdom or joy in a little graphic so that they appear more profound. Here's something I mocked up after taking a selfie lighting a cigarette under a streetlamp:



Zip and Snip your cat

What has the intellect of a toddler and the reflexes of a ninja?
 A cat!


Cats are sensitive souls. This - and the above reasons - are why you need to get those little moggies spayed, for the love of God. Also, they get more aggressive and scratchy and they don't mind where they do their big poops and whizzes coz they're just marking territory if you don't give them a dose of the testicular removals.


And who wants more cats anyway? Nobody. And why not? 

Because a dog bites you, he dies. No three strikes for a dog. Man is to dog as Nature is to bees. End of discussion.

Cats? They scratch, they bite, they hiss at you, and run away when you gain enough advantage to use your human strength against them.

Then you try to reprimand them and they're hurling their metal throwing stars at you from beneath the furniture. Ninja moggies!

Imagine what the cat will do to you when he knows he's gonna be stripped of his genetic inheritance!

You don't want to be living in that kind of fear, Shirley?

So to spare the blushes beneath the fur of their cheeky little jowls, below is a list of euphemisms that you can use so that the cat doesn't know that he's gonna get his goolies removed!

Animal health professionals have established this secret code over the last decade or more. 

If the cat's listening in to your conversation with your vet over the phone, perhaps on the other line in the bedroom like a sneaky chancer, here is what you can say to your vet, and he or she will fully understand your meaning:


"I'd like you to meet my Lil Georgie Foreman and then I will go home for a while, okay? and then when I come back you can serve me up some tasty feline treats! On a platter, if you catch my meaning." 

"My pussy has too much testosterone. It needs a good sorting."


"You know Lord Varys in Game of Thrones? Yeah, can you do what was done to him, to my little Pepper-Spray? He's spraying a lot more pepper lately, and winter is coming!"

"Can you de-tibulate Mr Tibbles?"


"Would you be able to divest Calvin of his siring capacity?"

"Hi. I'd like to book myself in for a castration. Not me exactly. You know who I'm talkin' about."

Failing use of these euphemisms, a desperate cat owner is left one last resort:

Without saying a word, send your vet a photo of your hand in the air with two large black dots painted on the palm, stuck together, with hair sticking out, and a large red X through them. He'll know what to do.   



This is the Z in the April AtoZ. Better late than never.

You fill up my Census

Y is for You Fill Up My Census.
I should have posted this video here (where I posted the lyrics), but I had a chest infection. If you think I can't sing in the video below, I definitely couldn't sing back when I was meant to post the video.

The hi-viz thingy on my head repurrazents the hi-viz vests which the census enumerators were wearing across Ireland identifying them as counters. The census was taken on April 24. I was struck by the fact that one question asked "Who is your daddy, and what does he do?" or "How many children have you given birth to?" or something. That got me thinking about a retirement age mother.

Please support your outsider artists.



This is part of the Blogging A to Z Challenge, where you're sposeda blog every letter of the English alphabet over 26 days in April, skipping Sundays and days where you have a sore throat and a chest infection, and then you need to catch up and it's already the 7th of May so you're kind of a failure then. But check it all out and take part next year.

X is for X-Men


In the early 90s, there was an arcade game featuring the X-Men. It had a very big, round-table dash with space for four or six players or something. 

At one point, when you're about to level up, Magneto appears atop a cliff as his minions are about to begin their attack below, and he declares:

"X-Men! Welcome to die!"

He does the same throughout the game:
Source: Here.
 
I don't think either Sir Ian or Fassbender would use that kind of shoddy English.
 
Seriously, though: Marvel or DC? Marvel, right? But, like, even with Nolan's Batman?

Anyway, I didn't think the first Wolverine movie was at all bad. [RUNS AWAY.]





This is part of the Blogging A to Z Challenge, where you're sposeda blog every letter of the English alphabet over 26 days in April, skipping Sundays and days where you have a sore throat and a chest infection, and then you need to catch up and it's already the 7th of May so you're kind of a failure then. But check it all out and take part next year.

Why Writers are A**holes

WRITING
More natural disasters need to have occurred recently for my new short story to work. I want a tsunami to take place somewhere in the world during the time of the current US election cycle. Pfff!
This place would do! Where is it?



It got me thinking how writers are complete a**holes. Just have a glance at a few examples below.

With respect to such a***olery, the opposite can be true too of course. If a writer has a story set in a small town in Australia, and there are bushfires taking place in the area, every day the writer will look at the news about the conflagration destroying homes in the state of Victoria hoping his little town hasn't been hit by the fires.

*

A writer might be researching reasons why a character could be housebound. He's reading an online research paper with no photos, about a kid who's restricted in movement because she has some disease or disorder or syndrome. So he does a Google image search on the disease, coz he's never heard of this disease by name before, and he sees people with the disease and he's like "Oh, right! Those guys!" He will then use this disease as a pretext to keep a character in a home or in a sheltered life.


Or a writer will pen something ludicrous such as a driver being decaptitated by his own seatbelt, and some car expert says "That could never happen" and a year later, it happens, and the writer, reading the news of the tragedy is like "I was right all along! The story works!"

*

These are a few of the thoughts a writer might have in the course of writing a novel or story where he feels vindicated (or whatever else) by some of the worst stuff in the world.

V is for Very Sorry

Very Sorry.

I miss your friendship and laughter.

There's stuff I don't miss because I feel bad about it. But I don't think you want me to feel bad.


So I've processed it all in that context.

I'd apologise at greater length if I could. I had more to share, about always knowing what it all was, and being sorry for turning the Benny Hill Show into an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. 

But in this forum, what can I say beyond being very sorry, S?

Ecuadorians in Ireland - EcuatorianosEnIrlanda: U is for Unity and Solidarity



A small community in Ireland is raising funds for the victims of Ecuador's recent earthquake.

Ecuadorians in Ireland - an association comprising less than seventy people across the country, in Cork, Galway, Dublin and elsewhere - are holding events in Ireland to raise these funds. Some of the people in the group are from or have relatives in the region, and they have been personally affected with the destruction of their homes.

They have longterm goals for the funding, such as education and healthcare provision, which will help to rebuild society after the media focus leaves the region struck by the quake.

Raffael Abarca, Yeah! Magazine director, is among the organisers of the fundraising events in Ireland. An event was held on Monday 2 May at the Mansion House, the Lord Mayor's residence in Dublin City.
Also in attendance was the Lord Mayor herself, who generously provided the venue (the mayoral residence has function rooms for these purposes).

You can contact ecuatorianosenirlanda[at]gmail[dot]com to make a donation or to volunteer any support.



This is a very late post in the Blogging AtoZ Challenge, where thousands of bloggers blog from A to Z for the month of April. The theme for this post is U, for Unity and Solidarity.