DRIVER RULES, OK?

HERE ARE THE TOP RULES FOR DRIVERS IN LISTICLE FORM!


1. First rule of driving is always, always, always never drink and drive.







2. DON'T let a team of seagulls drive, when one human will do the job more competently. They squabble and they leave feathers EVERYWHERE.




 

3. Never, ever sing along to a Stevie Wonder hit while driving. Specialists say that vocalising in this manner encourages head movements that are incompatible with safe travel.


4. If you feel drowsy while driving, a great idea is to wait until you have a long stretch of straight road ahead of you. Then, simply close your eyes for ten seconds. Count the seconds down, and open your eyes again. Repeat. Then, try for longer periods. Fifteen seconds, then thirty. Before long, you will find yourself asleep.

5.  There should be an outright ban on honking horns on the radio. Car insurance, car, car mechanic, and car valet advertisers should be fined if they contain any car horn noises.

A woman who conducted studies monitoring human brain activity, gabbing away on the phone to her friend as she drafted an email requesting funding from her university - while building macros into her research software in order to streamline the collation of her data - showed that men can't focus on driving and listening to the radio at the same time. It's too much for them.

I don't like nearly crashing when wildly looking around for a furious driver who doesn't exist. Neither should you.

If car horn sounds are retained on the radio, there should be a warning before any car horn and it should be a distinctive voice - standard across all the stations - that shouts "CAR HORN!!!" Let's make 2022 the year that car horns are taken off the radio! 2022 is just a figure plucked from my arse, coz it features the Number Two A LOT!

Lodge a complaint to your local representatives today about car horns on the radio, with the hashtag CARHORNSBEGONEBY2022.

Disaster strikes Ireland as Marriage Equality Passes

Following an environmentally-damaging experimental research study at Pfizer's Ringaskiddy facility in County Cork, a massive cloud of synthetic sperm has gone skyward above the entire island of Ireland.

TV3's weather forecasts have for the last hour been predicting a number of precipitation-related pregnancies in the coming weeks - precipitated in cities as far north as Donegal, Belfast and London-Derry/Derry/Londonderry by the disastrous experiment.

RTE's weather team - sponsored by Avonmore Soup - have remained completely silent on the issue.
#VoteNo Campaigners claim that the experimentation has only been enabled with the passage of the Marriage Equality amendment to Ireland's Constitution via popular referendum yesterday. They further claim that the Pfizer team had been waiting to "go live" with the project for many years.

A Pfizer spokesperson says it's no secret they began the research long before confirmation of
legislative change. Between 2009 and 2013, teams of lab-coated technicians had often been observed looking into the sky from the roof of the Ringaskiddy plant through enhanced goggles - comprising Latex, flashing LED lights and extendable lenses - as they held clipboards. Since 2013, the clipboards have been replaced with touchscreen devices.
Irish women - and non-national, foreign women resident in the State - are being warned to avoid standing on their heads or their hands in outdoor environments for the next forty days, particularly during periods of Irish drizzle. 
All rain over Ireland for the foreseeable future is expected to contain a pharma-produced "synthetic ejaculate" from the American-owned facility. The aggressive rain-spawn may cause women to become expectant with "frankenweans" that are neither the product of a father and a mother, nor either nor neither.
During the experimentation, stem cells, based on DNA harvested from the spines of healthy and prodigiously-gifted,
secularly-raised left-handed children - were split in two and spliced with herbal enhancers -  witch-hazel and devil's claw root - in nuclear centrifuges, before being squirted via modified turkey basters into helium-filled balloons to encourage cell motility and aggressive spermification. 

The balloons were then suspended in a massive domed cold-storage building. Pfizer claim that the dome's rolling roof was accidentally opened this morning by an unwitting newly-employed cleanroom technician who had been encouraged by colleagues to believe that the balloons were to be released after the referendum. No Campaigners are more cynical in their assessment, suggesting that the researchers did it "accidentally on purpose".

First Sunday Film Night in London...

At the William IV venue on Harrow Road, London, there are four movies showing on the first Sunday of June, and it looks like it will be an ongoing occurrence. Q&As will take place with a producer or director from the films.

Filmmaker Dziko Kazembe is one of the organisers. A talented writer-director in his own right, he regards it as a great networking opportunity for those in the business that is Show.

"It's all about filmmaking, it's all about the arts. It's all about supporting today, tomorrow's filmmakers and actors. So don't forget you saw them first at First Sunday Film and Networking Night."

Ticket sourcing for the 7th June event is encouraged from here as entry is a few bob more expensive at front-of-house on the night. Those looking for cast or crew who are about to begin production 9on a movie will be allowed to make appeals for anyone interested on the night; the same goes for anyone who has wrapped and is seeking post-production technical expertise.

The whole thing kicks off from 6.30 pm.

Check out details now.








Lashback by Frank Maguire: A Book Review


This novel pokes fun at bureaucracy and red tape - both official and otherwise - in an Ireland where the stuff is legion. While the frequently common response to a lack of preparation in Ireland is "Ah, sure it'll be grand", we also show an attention to detail that is unnecessary in many aspects of life. 
During the economic boom, apparently one could establish a hedge fund at the Irish Financial Services Centre in a matter of hours, a process that would have taken days in London's City or on New York's Wall Street. Conversely, there has always been a toxic Health & Safety / Not Part of My Job Description culture in Ireland too; a very disabling "You can't do that!" philosophy that frequently leaves things in a bit of a shambles. Transport delays in Ireland would result in sackings in other European countries, and perhaps even executions in the 1930s.

Frank Maguire has apparently been living in the States for quite a while, and yet he knows where he comes from. Speaking of period, try to channel a Chandleresque / Marlowesque/ Bogart or Cagney type narrator through an Irish voice: Whether that was his intent or not, Maguire has succeeded in so doing, in a surreal sci-fi novel set largely on his fictional rock off the coast of Kerry in Lashback: Devil's Chair Island. The narrative style fits wonderfully with the story. Maguire is a great yarn-spinner. The story starts out on what appears to be a bleak island off the coast of Ireland, with some wonderful descriptions that are both original and very stylistically Irish. Character names are imaginative, somewhat evocative of an earlier era, but many of them actually ring true in a society where we still have similarly ludicrous monikers.


A goat that requires tethering (in his victim's opinion) seems to have targeted one of the island's new arrivals, butting him at every opportunity. The story takes off from there - with some backstory about this same arrival. There is great imagery throughout. One character is described as "just a pair of hands", another conducting an affair with his boss's wife "wasn’t one to force the truth on her", and there are a variety of other Hiberno-English flourishes that always stay on the right side of paddy-whackery.

Check it out at Amazon or at Goodreads!

British Election Analysis

Nick Clegg - RESIGNED
Nick Clegg gave a great old debate that won him the hearts and minds of the British voters last time out. Once in government, he made one serious mistake: Doing away with his "Not a child in the house washed" initiative, where he charged 18-22 year olds a hefty fortune to grow brains in their ears.

 
Photo by Mattbuck.

David or Ed Miliband - GONE


More lefty than his brother Ed or David, David or Ed Miliband was a part of Roy Chubby Brown's cabal of monstrous madmen, but he was the cute one. Since becoming leader, he has shown a steely resolve in staying leader, even though he is a geek. Not any more!



Nigel Farage - BURIED IN CAR PARK

The resident warmup act for the European Parliament, Nigel showed gumption by pretending his party wasn't racist, and sacking candidates and MPs who were a bit racist. Blummin' racists. After all, we are each and every one of us humyn beings.*

*But then, the party unburied him and took him to hyper-eugenicists in Argentina, revivified him to maximum, fixed his broken back and said "You have to be our leader. We are incompetents, my liege! [Hisssssss]"



Ed Balls - FUCKED

Ed Balls was a nasty Machiavellian wannabe-Mandelson. He wasn't gay enough, he wasn't slim enough and he reduced Brown to a paranoid lump of one-eyed jelly before failing to win the last election. Goodbye, Ed! And you can't have Balls without Cable. Ergo:


Vince Cable - BREADED

When sueptoheptohoctogenarian Merengzienauxxx (pron: MING) Campbell resigned as leader of the Persil Democratics, Vince Cable became a strong temporary leader. On reaching government, he was given the role of Minister for Doin' the Bizz! Now, he's been converted into a baker's loaf, still strong enough to be used as a door stopper, but not much use to anyone.

PEN LETTER FROM PROTESTORS

ON THE PEN LETTER BY ALL THOSE AUTHORS...

The terrorists are not the marginalized.

Charlie Hebdo attacked religion and terrorism, and it was pro-Muslims as much as it was anti-Islam, and it was anti-racism. As the late editor said, a cartoon does less harm than a drone. But it's the Algerians and Moroccans living in Paris who are told they can't dress a certain way who are the victims of what the writers regard as cultural prejudice. Not the terrorists. The CH team had guns to their heads and they continued to publish - and that's commendable, and they should be honored. But they were surely aware that many Christians were killed in riots in the Middle East and in Africa, with the Danish cartoons? That's not the Charlie Hebdo team's fault. That's extremist terror.


Nobody is saying that these writers would side with terrorists or murderous protestors against Charlie Hebdo. They ought to defend the rights of the Charlie Hebdo group, to their own deaths if they must, to employ the quote attributable to Voltaire. But a secular society allows freedom of religion. A large minority of decent people are being curtailed in their freedoms in France, and many of them are from an immigrant population that is already on the bottom rung of society's ladder.

The writers' letter is perhaps wrongheaded and maybe even anti-French. I don't know if a boycott is right. But one could argue that cartoons that target the terrorists are equally wrongheaded. Like the bombs that come from drones, these cartoons don't have crosshairs that prevent collateral damage.