Five Annoying Facebook Status Updates

Baby pictures

My first sonogram
My first t-shirt
My first walk
My first potty-poo
My first go away and stop posting baby pictures



The "Hey, Cancer Awareness" Update!

You liked someone's status about having a dose of the squirts and then you are PMed by them saying you have to post the exact same status about the squirts or else having big breasts or blah blah blah. Coz of cancer.


The "I know I'm ugly" status update:

You know the ones:

"I scared away the ducks!"


"My nose is so big, it needs its own congressman!"

"I know I'm ugly when it's raining cuz when I look at a girl, she lowers her umbrella so I can't see her face!"

"Darren punched me in the heD 7 times yesterday, and told me I was a descousting lump! Can any1 help me pls? It's the first time he did it since he fractured my scull last year! I've even lost all the baby wait but he's up to his old trikcs again, courawsing nnd boosing! Send help. x"

The I'm-smarter-than-you post

Some people post what appears to be intellectual material. But any post that makes you feel inferior ought to be challenged. The result is a healthy anarchism, undermining authority via Socratic dialogue. Asking questions of any such a structural hierarchy - insisting on a burden of legitimacy from the smartass - can be undertaken via a series of replies or "smackdowns", whether those comments address the semantics of the post-er's statement, or seek more ontological clarifications.

Pets
Remember when Make-love-to-your-pets day used to be just once a year?
Now, a day isn't complete without a cat photo or two. For the effect.
Stupid cats. BARK! BARK!


Not to mention those stupid foxes too! MEEEP MEEEP!

AMAZING INVENTIONS AND THE CREATIVITY BEHIND THEM 2

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Creativity is found everywhere. Why, only last week I saw an old man coming up with a stick to batter a barking dog which had been chained to a tree in the neighborhood. The old man is in jail facing trespass and animal cruelty charges, and the dog's owner is also awaiting prosecution for animal cruelty and neglect!

Let's look at some creativity now!  
2. The Post-It Notes story:

We all know the story of the woman who ran out of post-it notes, and cleverly scribbled the words "BUY POST-IT NOTES" on her forehead.

Later, she was in the stationery shop with a confused look on her face.





Just some of the ingredients in Post-It Note adhesive.


Guess who reminded her that she had a reminder on her own head? The shopkeeper! And that's how the forehead stamp was invented. It's been calculated that two cents from every forehead stamp goes towards its inventors, the forehead woman and the stationery shop owner. Today, they are both multimillionaires.



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Oscar Pistorius facing manslaughter charge

Paramedic athlete Oscar Pistoffallovus has been cleared of murder but has been found guilty of manslaughter. He will be subsumed by a conglomeration of media commentators later today.

The leaky-faced snot goblin had trouble listening to Judge Thokozile Masipa, because his ears were covered in snot, as she cleared him of murder but decided that he had done something wrong. An ex-girlfriend - who said he was one nasty mofo and she hid his gun from him - shouted for people to wipe away the snot as the verdict was read out.

"One time," she said, "I hid his blades so that he couldn't run after me. Without his blades, he can only manage a stumpy half-effort at trying to catch somebody. But with his blades, he'll chase you down, and then he'll ride your ass, and then he'll spit you out, and then he'll bury you."

During the course of the trial, they performed a series of psycho and physical tests on Oscar Pistoffallovus, including an encephalephaluppagus, which is Latin to scan his brains.
The tests mean that the electricity in Oscar's brains was undermined by steroids making him mad as hell. He was found to be on the spectrum on the bell curve of profound anger, but crying like a gimpy snothead in the dock. Look at his snots. I HATE YOU OSCAR!