LUIS SUAREZ TO BE FED TODAY

Reports suggest that Liverpool striker Luis Suarez was underfed by Liverpool dieticians during the entire Premiership season. Nutrition experts in the UK are still uncertain as to how much food certain international players ought to eat, based on their BMI and childhood diets; Suarez is among this fraction of undernourished players playing at the top level. The problem arises because obesity in the West has yet to take hold in regions such as South America, Africa, and parts of Asia. It is a source of contention at the Kop, as Argentina's Javier Mascherano departed for Barcelona last season, where he was told he could eat whatever he wanted. The formerly starving former Liverpool player went on to win the Champion's League with his new Spanish Catalan club.

During the Uruguay World Cup campaign, Mr Suarez has been biting unusual things such as his hotel headboard, extra small, already morsel-sized bananas, and the tongues of Uruguay colleagues Diego Godin and Alvaro Pereira. The tongues had been pulled from their football boots and consumed by Suarez while they slept. Suarez then went on to bite the players' tongues while they slept. They were alerted to their missing tongues the following morning. Both men are speechless.

Suarez was spotted trying to eat a goalpost at pre-World Cup practice. Some of his opponents have claimed to have been bitten by Mr Suarez during match play. In an effort to prevent further occurrences of nibbling, Suarez has worked tirelessly during the campaign with FIFA, insisting that he be sent home before he really does bite someone. An ongoing project has been drawn up, with the blessings of the Italian team, in order that "pretend biting" incidents be played out "for real". The Italians have consulted Mister Silvio Berlusconi on the best methods to fake violent incidents. Mr. Berlusconi, 93, pretended he had been assaulted by a Milanese statuatiniwini ("little statue") thrower in 2009. Mr. Suarez is to be sent home to Montevideo today for some much required food.

Staring at computer screens causes hemorrhoids: Study

SCIENCE NEWS



Scientists have recently revealed that sitting for long hours watching a computer screen can result in the condition known as heaemoeiarrheaioids in the UK, and "piles" according to US spelling and pronunciation conventions.

Researchers speculate that such lumpal rectal lumpal structures are believed to be the result of viewing pixellated screens for longer than is healthy every day over the course of a long period.

"The pixels somehow go through the eyes and flush down the system before they irritate the bowels on the molecular level," claimed buttocks expert Janet Smith - known as an "analyst".

Numerous cases of the condition have been discovered in clerical workers, who sit for hours in a sedentary position, watching their computer screens.

"Watching the screens definitely changes the structure of the bum," insisted Smith (34). "Most of those who came forward were sitting in front of a computer for long hours. We're just trying to figure out how they are affected exactly - but we think it's something to do with the condition 'dry eye', which is also common among computer users."
 
Eyes of those who use computers for long hours can suffer a shortage of moisture compared to the eyes of people who don't look at computers. However, these non-computer users often suffer from other eye related conditions, such as glaucoma, cataracts, drone strikes and malnutrition.

Meanwhile, the scientific community tries to resolve the exact cause of the hemorrhoids. What has Janet got to say, to round off the article nicely? 

"We are doing a lot of scratching."

Francois Hollande goes out to dinner five times in Paris yesterday

French President Francois Hollande met theatre actress Zasi Bonheure, 27, for a light early-bird meal at three pm yesterday in a cafe on the banks of the Seine. The French actress enjoyed a salad with the head of state, who picked at a minibaguette - also called a breadstick, and a pickle from her dish as she begged him to take their relationship more seriously. They also discussed the pending 70th anniversary celebrations of D-Day, and the rave reviews Mlle Bonheure is currently earning for her theatre role in a version of Sartre's La Putain respecteuse.

The French head of state - known in France as "France wa Zullund" - because that's how they pronounce his name - then went on to meet Russian president Vladimir Putin at the Champs Elysee. Mr. Putin - himself en France to attend the D-Day celebrations - echoed the delight of Mr. Stalin at the time, in 1944, who had been clamouring for another front to open up in the war against Mr. Hitler since 1940.



"Why is the West always fearful of the attacking?" he asked the press in attendance, winking.

Monsieur Hollande then pulled up on his motorbike an hour later, to meet Cecile Etienne, 43, businesswoman, for a coffee and a savoury crepe, from a street vendor near a fountain. Amongst the talk as they sat at the fountain, M Hollande was asked by Cecile why he wasn't taking their relationship more seriously. They then both departed on the same motorbike.

Mr. Obama and US Secretary of State John Kerry were next on M. Ullund's itinerary. At the one-Michelin star restaurant, they shared a weathered frappuccino grouse strimmings sculpture with prune accoutrements, drenched in gooseberry fat and the shattered hull of a philandered, blue duck egg from a traumatised fowl, whipped to a micrometre, and a block of slightly transmogrified apple custard sauce (la creme anglaise de pomme) held in suspended animation in a fiber-optic kiln for three days until it was "pre-fraiche".




Finally, at 11pm, Francois enjoyed a late supper with his favorite burlesque artist, Mrs. Stabbi Gash, 36, where he joked - in a kind of French sigh - that politics is a balancing act, and that he has fallen on his sword more times in his career than she has - in her act, which involves swords. He then raised his eyebrows and said: "Je rigole!" and she laughed. She didn't care about whether he was taking their relationship seriously last night, because he went home with her after 1am.

Mrs. Stabbi Gash's visually "incroyable" show can be seen in the Caviarrrr Buh-Luh-Guh club in the cinqieme arrondissement of Paris till next Tuesday.

"Picture Mountain" group meeting in Copenhagen



The 2014 "Picture Mountain" [WINK] Group Meeting took place in Copenhagen last week.  None of the Marvel superheroes were represented, and S.H.I.E.L.D. has been wiped out by "Picture Mountain" [WINK] Group HYDRA. Or has it?

What we do know is: The Spanish Queen may have been there.




George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer, was there. Google's Eric Schmidt was there. Peter Mandelson was there. A LinkedIn guy was there. The Supreme Allied Commander of NATO, General Breedlove, was there. Goldman Stanley were there. Mormon Sacs. Stonedly Morgan Gandly. Or whatever.






What did ALL these people - alongside such stalwarts as Henry Kissinger and the Honorable and Undead Margaret Thatcher LG OM PC FRS RIP – discuss at the meeting as part of their future plans?



Purchase Re/Rogaine for Tony Blair's head so that his testosterone levels remain high - it is imperative that he maintains misplaced self-confidence in all of his work. Continue to provide GW Bush with the placebo lacking this side effect.

Expose Qatar as corrupt in winning the World Cup Finals bid, and undermine Arab integrity. (Ahead of schedule.)

Fly in BJ Clinton and get the Nigerian schoolchildren home for the holidays. Photo op for Obama?

Wipe out Janjaweed Militia camp / Sudanese orphanage / water reservoir and treatment facility, but mainly Janjaweed Militia camp. Send in Jimmy Carter Foundation / Oxfam / Red Cross to effect repairs.

Allow Spanish King Wankerloss to take the throne again through positive media spin on safari cullings.
Big network interview with Gaddafi’s dead/living daughter – to show that Reagan had always been right!


Pull all Coca Cola bottling plants out of Pakistan as punishment for their contract with Chinese engineers over the building of safer sweatshops.

Allow 200 Ukrainian nationalists to "fight", and upload two kitten videos. 5,000 ethnic Russians then to be cleaned over the following week, and a third kitten vid upload and a mass seal-clubbing incident on Scottish coast.

Continue to excise the “al” from Bashar al Assad.

Lots of other stuff.

Simon Coveney attends Bilderberg Group Meeting in Copenhagen

Last week's "Image Mountain" Group meeting in Copenhagen was attended by Simon Coveney, the Irish Agriculture Minister. Mr. Coveney gave details of some of the meals that were enjoyed by the guests, including steak - which Mr. Coveney was later informed was horsemeat - an array of Danish hams, bacons and porks - which Mr. Coveney was surprised to learn later was in fact horsemeat, and platters of seasonal vegetables from Northern Europe - which Mr. Coveney described as "having the texture and taste of beef, but sweeter."





A sing-song took place until 3 am at the conference location over the weekend, but Simon was dapper enough to show up just four hours later, to discuss the conference in an RTE interview outside the hotel. Unfortunately, the minister of agriculture's voice was too hoarse to give a full description of the events.

Ireland's former prime minister Brian Cowen - who was listening to the program on the Player - attempted to tweet about the hungover tones of Mr. Coveney, but the ex-prime minister's tweets were mysteriously replaced with images of the nude portraits of him that had gone on display at the National Gallery during his tenure as PM. In trying to address the problem, he made attempts to use Twitter while seeking assistance from his daughter over the phone. The efforts at a solution were undermined as he failed to launch the app without cutting her off while she was on loudspeaker.

Mr. Cowen is currently completing a post-post-post doctoral course on quantum neutrinos in expanding bubbles at Laramie County, Wyoming.