Looking like a Mr. Grumpy Pants, the novelist Alan Shatter has lost his role as Minister for Justice and Equality. Here are his best bits in loose chronological order:
10. He told former 80s Neighbours star Mick Wallace that he had heard that he had been caught on the phone while behind the wheel.
09. He further explained that the Garda Commissioner had told him that Wallace had been let off with a flare gun at one of the regular meetings with An Gourda Commissiúnereachtúnachtachtacht. [WINK!]
---The triumvirate of Mick "Surf" Wallace, Ming "Turf" Dealer and fiercely loyal Clare "ARE YOU STILL HANGIN' ROUND WITH THAT GANG OF EEJITS?" Daly decided to run a successful campaign to eradicate the culture of penalty points suspensions. (It was not successful.)
Further details on their phone use et al can be found here.
08. In his world of sposedas, Shatter then blamed Garda Commissioner of An Gourda Commissiúnereachtúnachtachtacht for telling him about Mick Wallace, when he was sposeda shut the #*#* up in the first place.
07. A pair of Garda whistleblowers popped the can of worms open, like a pair of whistleblowers from the Royal Irish Cobstabellary [TOOT! TOOT! STOP THIEF!], and the Minister said they were in the wrong.
06. The head of An Gourda Commissiúnereachtúnachtachtacht was brown bread when he supported the minister and said their behaviour was "what a rat bastard weasel would do. These guys make me sick. Disgusting pair-ah---- why I oughta!" [GRITS TEETH. SHAKES FIST.]
05. Shatter appointed his buddy and pal to do a slapdown of the whistleblowers, exastertating tensions.
04. Leo the Usurper gatecrashed the whole affair with a tearful and politically-felicitous Tammy Wynette number. Shatther was probly to An Gourda Commisiunerúní all "I want your badge, Mister! This Danish cheese is NOT for me."
03. Shatter, Shatter, Shatter. He was taking out his katana at this stage, giving it a wipe, ready to fall on it, although he had shattered a bunch o' them! And I'm no legal expert - he is!
02. The Minister next made a series of ultra conservative pronouncements about being anti-buggery with his Garda socks. He blamed it on the café wi-fi. That didn't even happen, he says.
01. Bye now, to the novelist Alan Shatter!