French horsemeat contains traces of beef

An International Horse and Cattle Boxing Tournament - located primarily in France - has been exposed through a pan-European food hygiene investigation. Headed up by Jamie Oliver and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, the investigation's discoveries are so shocking that both chefs have been recently fast-tracked firearms licences and weapons by their Antwerp-based umbrella group, the Special Regulations Office for Wholefoods (TaskForce), which will re-locate its headquarters to Brussels in a few months' time. A SPROWT officer, speaking on condition of anonymity as he lacks the authority to publicise operations, declared:

"We've had to enlist Heston Blumenthal in support. We still need an official greenlight, but Heston is so disgusted that he has started work in England using centrifuges to create the kind of weaponry that his colleagues will require to fulfil their objectives. We're turning a blind eye to all of this for the moment." Then he winked. "I'm winking now," he added, before terminating the call.
It's been revealed that the losing animals in the boxing fights taking place throughout Europe are crushed into an extruded mulch and sent to supermarkets on the British Isles. Not surprisingly given their athleticism, the horses frequently win the boxing fights. However, analysis of beef burgers on sale at supermarket chains in the Republic of Ireland have now indicated that there may be a bovine victor in as many as 29% of the matches.

Meanwhile, the regulatory body that oversees food hygiene in France* has discovered that horsemeat products on sale in local supermarkets have been found to contain traces of beef. The presence of beef has led to mass protest in Paris, with certain districts ablaze, and rioting on the streets overnight. The police have been forced to call in reinforcements, with suggestions that martial law may be imposed.

Each Paris gendarme is now working as many as six hours a day. The city's halal butchers have been forced to close their shops, with their wives taking the extreme measure of covering themselves in dark, sheet-like clothing in order to hide their faces and identities from their communities. At least a dozen such women are now known to have been taken into local police stations.

*Anse (Agence nationale de sécurité sanitaire de l'alimentation, de l'environnement et du travail)