People are expressing disbelief over the sudden death of Barbara Windsor, killed by an Islamist faction in the BBC canteen as she tried unsuccessfully to rescue Alan Titchmarsh, Len Goodman, Cheryl Tweedy-Cole, Adam Hart-Davis, Fearne Cotton and Sir Terry Wogan, among others, from a hostage crisis that escalated into a murder-suicide bombing late yesterday afternoon.
When close friend Kelly Brook was asked to comment, she claimed that the radicalisation of young Muslims was certainly a problem. Brook is shocked at the scale of the carnage. She admitted that only a fortnight ago she had been sharing a plate of lasagne with Windsor in the very dining hall where at least fifteen household names, and a further thirty well-known faces, yesterday lost their lives. The deaths occurred after an extremist group, who had been expected to appear on BBC’s Newsnight later in the evening, chose instead to take control of the canteen in BBC’s London studios to protest their inability to “kill our own wives in a so-called free society”. Windsor, famed for playing no-nonsense matriarch Peggy Mitchell on the BBC’s flagship soap until last year, was the perfect candidate to thwart the misogynistic extremists. She tried to prevent an atrocity by initiating a shootout with the gunmen that could have succeeded were it not for the “dud” weapons that she had borrowed.
“Barbara was so full of life, and so full of ideas. And you could tell her anything,” Brook admitted. “While we were eating that plate of lasagne two weeks ago, I very discreetly asked her if she had a spare tampon, and she looked at me with those bright, helpful eyes, and she suggested that I try the Props Department.”
Unfortunately, the sanitary towel Brook eventually sourced from the BBC’s Properties office failed to function effectively, resulting in the “blood gate” incidents experienced by Brook and her three fellow guests, Sir Patrick Stewart, Kirsten Dunst and Sean “Puffy” Combs, on a recent edition of Graham Norton’s chat show. The show, which is recorded on Tuesday before an audience, had a number of glaring continuity errors, with all four celebrities showing large red stains on the seats of their trousers or skirts at various points during the programme. The couch itself is the place that most of Brook’s menstrual effluence was unwittingly deposited.
Further problems with BBC properties were tragically highlighted yesterday when the late Windsor turned up in the canteen to rescue work colleagues from the terrorist madmen. Windsor was armed with an AK-47 and an Uzi, both taken from BBC Properties. Although she had ample opportunity to kill all five Islamo-fascists, neither of her weapons discharged properly as both were made entirely out of rubber. Windsor, 72, gamely shouted “Bang! Bang!” on realising that the guns didn’t fire, but the fundamentalists weren’t fooled. She was mortally wounded and fell to her knees in the middle of the canteen, her iconic breasts riddled in a hail of bullets, before making the ultimate sacrifice, throwing herself atop a detonator plunger box connected to C4 charges* placed throughout the canteen by the Islamist group. The explosion ended the hostage crisis, with the emergency services only deeming it safe to enter the building when they saw Norton, at first unrecognisable wearing fellow Irishman Terry Wogan’s wig, struggling to emerge from the bombsite with Ben Elton’s leg in his hands, shouting for medical assistance.
|An inanimate representation of Windsor, ironically striking a pose similar to the one she herself took moments before she became inanimate, in yesterday's Islamo-fascist murder suicide bombing at the BBC's London headquarters. Photo courtesy Karen Roe|
Brook, meanwhile, has recently been spotted partying with former boyfriend Billy Zane. Rumours that the pair are reconciled have not yet been confirmed.
*C4 charges are in no way related to the Channel Four television network.